Betwixt and Between

“Life just has a way of working itself out”. I actually said this to someone recently and yet it seemed like something someone should say to me. Maybe it was just that, I am prone to talking to myself. 

2011 was by far one of the worst years I’d ever had. Funny, in a not so funny way because I actually thought it was going to be the year when I could finally begin rebuilding my life; repositioning a place for myself in the grand scheme of things so to speak.

Not so. Just like the interminable “bottom” of the housing market, the free fall continued.  It wasn’t for lack of trying and I made more than my lion’s share of mistakes and probably invented a few along the way. Looking back, it almost seems imaginary with more twists and turns than a John Grisham novel but absent the gratifying suspense and intrigue.  

It just never occurred to me that sloughing off prior goals, beliefs and relationships would serve to be counterintuitive and only fuel the intensity of the fire that I was ultimately trying to extinguish. Honestly, had someone told me beforehand the turn of events about to take place, quite frankly, I would have dismissed it as pure hogwash. 

Clearly my desires and life trajectory were incongruous. By the time year-end rolled around, I found myself in an inexplicable state of calm.

Apparently, my heart felt at ease even though I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Perhaps this was the driving force all along….though I was seriously so OVER the hard lessons, it was obvious that I could remain part of the problem or become part of the solution. Ergo, a no-brainer J

I confess that these trials which I personally consider extraordinary in their own right hold great meaning to me. They’re veritable war wounds that in some perverse way symbolize badges of honor sustained while battling through my issues and working my way over to the other side. 

To be perfectly candid, this side doesn’t look all that different yet but there are some key differences. First off, my “bottom” has officially arrived and I’m not referring to one of those Brazilian Butt DVD’s. The lessons I’ve learned are carefully filed away in my mental D-ring binder to allow for easy access when the next round of tests come to pass. Uh huh…fool me twice….

I suffer no delusions that my topsy-turvy world has stabilized. There is a great deal of work ahead of me but I am far more secure in my choices, my direction and the ability to remove any unwanted influences without much need for second guessing. After all, I have the experience that I’ve garnered over the past couple of years to draw upon.   

More compelling is that I am much more comfortable asking for help when I need to and understanding when to go it alone which has always been my generally preferred method.  

Pride is an ego driven concept that has its place, however, in my humble opinion dignity is what measures your true potential without any need for outside recognition. No matter how desperate the situation is, you always have your dignity. 

So similar to when you miscalculate a wave and get “spin cycled” while surfing, once you hit the sand bottom you already know that you’re heading to the surface and will be able to breathe again soon.