Death & Taxes

 

In this world nothing can said to be certain, except death and taxes

~Benjamin Franklin

Question is: What world is this?                 

If the world at large conforms to the end of the Mayan calendar than I had better write fast.  However, I doubt the final destruction of the world according to the book of Revelation will be that simple; nothing ever is. 

Alternatively, if defined by an event involving destruction on an awesome or catastrophic scale than I would argue that happens all the time. Tragedy always brings an “end” though there’s clearly a distinguishable difference.

The way I see it, the first scenario paints the picture of an immediate and irrevocable passing. The latter is part and parcel of life; to wit no real end.

That said, if the universe were to pull the plug than it appears I have missed my opportunity to pull off the much deserved debauchery that should accompany the ultimate demise. No hard partying, raucous sex and foolish shenanigans with my closest family and friends. Typical…

I do find it ironic that in a year earmarked for the Apocalypse, my world (because we all have one) just so happens to be foreign, unwanted with no obvious means of escape. Perhaps that calendar may come in handy after all.

Certainly seems as good a time as any to scrap an overwrought existence entrenched in thwarted efforts. Speaking for myself I’d have nothing to lose at this point.

At the beginning of 2012, doomsday was already being touted though who has time for that? If the end is here, it’s here. I focused on the idea that this year would give way to bigger and better things; turns out it was weirder and shocking events. Even more profound is that I’m in a nine year according to numerology which represents “endings”.

 

Spare me, the topic of discussion is the end of the world! Numerology is unlikely to negatively impact the credibility of this subject matter.

 

I have read so many stories of individuals and families that remain on a lost path and while I can relate, it isn’t a club that anyone with shred of dignity yearns to be associated with. There’s an actual element of society that has been excommunicated by virtue of modern circumstance. This obscure state will test your faith and question your worthiness to the point that you don’t even know if you are relevant in the eyes of the norm despite being wanting, willing and capable.  As one who still awaits confirmation, there can be no better time to eliminate the insufferableness.

Given my own hyper-critical nature, I understand why such misfortune would seem befallen to those as a by-product of laziness, unwillingness to make compromise and complacency.  Moreover that may be a testament to how society judges as a whole and possibly even how your inner circle perceives you rather than the ability to adequately understand the challenges themselves.

I cannot offer an explanation as to why some are chosen unwittingly and others will luckily never have the displeasure. All I know is that it has opened me up in ways that I never considered nor wanted to.

Not to be confused with consequences for poor judgment and mistakes; that’s inevitable and necessary for personal development. I refer you to the purgatorial environment that stands in the way of putting those learned lessons into action. Therefore I selfishly choose to believe the "barrier” has come to its end because surely there is no statute of limitations on happiness?

The amazing thing about endings is that it clears the path for beginnings. I can unequivocally state that during this unprecedented year I have encountered many amazing people who have been unlikely sources of support and positive energy who have graciously helped me in the most unexpected ways. I am very fortunate!

So if today marks my last day, I will know it has all been worthwhile. Not discounting my apocalyptic-esque melodrama, it’s likely that I’ll still have to go to Trader Joe’s tomorrow.

Nevertheless, this will be my last post on this site in honor of “The End”.  See you on the other side!

 

Conflicted

Have you ever had one of those days when you ask yourself if it’s really worth it? You know, “It” i.e. all that encompasses life and our daily existence.

Well, I certainly have and to be frank, this entire year qualifies. Sometimes I think it would be simpler if all experiences were either difficult or easy. Not that I actually wish for that but it would make reconciling feelings a walk in the park.  

No, life is an admixture of ups and downs and you get to experience all the emotions that go with it. I think what perplexes me the most is the abrupt offset of a wonderful event with a disappointing one. Though I recognize the need for challenge to provide contrast, shouldn’t there be a reasonable spacing between the two?

My experiences thus far feel “Bipolar”. Conflicting extremes without a doubt.

Prepare for ridiculous, because my reality feels like a perverse movie with my own behavior and idiosyncrasies’ being played out by any number of individuals in my immediate environment which I speculate is for the benefit of my own personal growth.  A veritable “ghosts of Christmas past, present & future” clearly mimicking my “personality” repertoire.  If that makes any sense to you; be afraid.

I’m not suggesting I’m a victim of circumstance or even placing judgment, rather I’ve become acutely aware of my surroundings (not easy for the self involved) and I’m deeply affected by it all. Who would of thought?

It had been quite some time since I’d been back in a day to day routine and the conveniences that were availed to me previously were no longer accessible yet replaced with some measurable stability.  Still, it’s been frustrating on an entirely different level.

I’ll recap this year’s highlights to date. Since the beginning of the year, I moved out of my home, managed to become employed, found a temporary housing solution and currently operate on six frumpy outfits fished out of storage in a contortion like manner in order to try and maintain a moderately respectable appearance. That’s the “work with you’ve got principle” though it hasn’t been pretty! The consolation prize….wait for it….my car was stolen & I’m driving a rental. Like the top20, the hits just keep on coming J

In the midst of it all, I haven’t taken time to quiet my mind and gather my thoughts because I’ve devoted my energy simply to adapting. For instance, at work being the “new kid” is always a little awkward but this time around the stakes felt so much higher and the game was one that I’d never played before. Every aspect of my being seems to be the quintessential of “uncharted”.  

It was important for me to assimilate and avoid seeming overly aloof even though I prefer to fly underneath the radar (it’s easier). So I hovered above just enough because I wanted to interact though dreaded close inspection.  After all I was back in the “real” world which meant fielding questions from others and running the risk of being unveiled; I knew all too well the “mess” that lies within and had no desire for scrutiny resulting from failing to meet the standard level of acceptability. My perseverance was far too fragile for that.

Adding insult to injury, I’ve  struggled to maintain the routines that I’d come to love and deemed essential to my well being. It was like swimming against the current, the harder I tried the more cumbersome it all became and my outlets were slipping away a little bit more each day. Perhaps I wasn’t really trying that hard at all, rather wanting.

I really do have so very much to be grateful for and I genuinely am. I just didn’t expect reuniting with the “day job” lifestyle would leave me feeling as though I was veering further off course. After all, I thrive when I’m productive and anyone worth their salt wants to matter regardless of what that entails.  It just became glaringly apparent that the scales of my life were tipping disproportionately out of balance.  Something felt off and my advancement, disingenuous.

After packing on unwanted pounds and vacillating between elated and dejected, I found my emotional scorecard at a draw. When comparing the pros & cons of each situation, I was unable to reach a final verdict. 

I actually believe that you must honor your feelings but that wasn’t an invitation for all of them to show up at once! Meanwhile, with all these convoluted thoughts swirling around my ultra-sensitive mind, I started to notice the telltale signs of self sabotage.  Pathetic…

Have I really been out of circulation so long that what should come naturally is so daunting that my neurosis kicks into high gear?! This feels like a trick question.  I fully admit that I am not afraid of forging ahead but petrified to repeat what has failed me in the past.  I used to just know that everything would work out but I’m not always so sure these days. The deck seems to be stacked against me and I tire of two steps forward and three back. Something has to give…

The “absurdity” of my life has become commonplace. Even being blessed with all the amazing opportunities that have come my way, something still feels amiss. Simply put; what if I’m squandering away my last chance to truly pursue my passions? The universe has cleared the path (metaphorically) so maybe I'm supposed to weigh out what will happen if I don’t.  Perhaps this is a wake up call to assess my true resolve. Do I really have the guts to take a leap of faith, believe in myself and do what I want instead of doing what “I have to do”? Of course, rational thinking would indicate that anything but sticking to the beaten path will land me right off the reservation though I can’t seem to shake this mentality.

Almost everything that I’ve feared and loathed has come to pass and somehow I’m still here (wherever the hell this is). Truth be told, no matter what happens my past cannot be recreated good, bad or indifferent.  Obviously thinking about it won't render the answer since I constantly mull things over and we all know the definition of insanity.

I guess for the time being I'll have to keep treading water and do my best to allow my heart to guide me along. 

My history suggests that this learning period does not support blindly ignoring precautions while haphazardly making my way. That isn’t the spirit of following your dreams and actually could destroy them.  Balance is key and it's possible this chapter is intended to allow me to distill my desires in order to create the future that I have always imagined meanwhile providing a safe environment to do so.  All I know is that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at the moment and trust I will know where to go from here.  I just have to commit to being brave enough. TBD

The Pursuit of Happiness

As I sat in my empty house, everything gone except the echoes bouncing off the naked walks and the assorted creaks that inhabit a house built almost a century ago, I truly felt “empty” on a visceral level.

I recall sitting in what I referred to as the “heart” of the house which had been my TV room or den if you prefer and thinking that I had a glimpse into understanding the process of mourning. I realized that no matter if you are aware that something is about to take place, the emotions that accompany that experience have their own process in terms of purging. It’s just that I thought having the benefit of knowing in advance, such as in a case where someone with a terminally ill loved one comes to pass that I'd be better preparedfor the inevitable. Turns out there are some things that you can never really prepare for.

Though I’m certainly not attempting to minimize the loss of a beloved by way of comparison  to my recent situation, my point being that you may know what’s about to transpire but unlikely how it will literally affect you. At best, your experience simply differs from one occurring unexpectedly.

With my entire life’s possessions holed up in a 10x16 space that had put me to task tirelessly over the past month, I couldn’t quite grasp how any of it really mattered. Yet as the clock ticked away and the final hours in what had been my home for so many years was drawing to a close, I reflected on the frenzy of the past month and reveled in the fact that most of my “things” were somehow preserved, at least for the time being.

Isn’t it ironic that the most strenuous project that I’ve undertaken during my lifetime thus far happened to be vacating my home; period. Hardly qualifies as an achievement by most standards but speaking for myself, I beg to differ.

Understand that the importance of saving my possessions wasn’t in valuing the items themselves, but rather in their symbolic representation. Almost reinforcing that part of my prior history shall survive and accompany me into my new world. Authentic keepsakes from a razed existence and crazy as it may sound and it does, even to me, still resonates at the deepest level.

On moving day, the anxiety of this upheaval took a backseat to the adrenaline rush of getting everything completed as carefully and efficiently as possible. The end result being a shell of my home that looked eerily smaller than I’d ever recalled. No longer a home but a dwelling devoid of any emotion or feeling.

All in all, it brought to mind the movie “The Pursuit of Happiness”. As I watched that story unfold it elicited powerful reactions while I contemplated  how anyone could endure that  much misfortune and struggle while genuinely trying so hard to achieve what I believe is everyone’s given birth right; Happiness. What could possibly keep someone motivated during such dire circumstances?

As I took stock in what has transpired over the past several years, I was able to grasp the significance of these difficult task masters. I’d love to tell you that I feel stronger having gone through all of this but the truth is that I mostly feel vulnerable. The juxtaposition between losing everything and finding a sense of purpose in moving forward seemed overwhelming. The fact that I felt oddly proud in being able to endure what most people would consider the ultimate failure was a paradox. Hmmm…proud to fail; that belongs on a T-shirt worn by someone in one of those Wal-Mart part whatever emails.

 Rest assured I take solace in knowing that I truly did my best to weather some difficult situations. Throughout all of this, I related to how someone could feel such deep despair that checking out seemed a viable remedy. I think it has far less to do with death itself and more so the fear of living a life of misery. Makes perfect sense to me.

Still, one thing for sure is that when life pulls the rug out, you’d better be prepared for the ominous shift that will undoubtedly take place in every aspect of your world. This will run the gamut from your lifestyle, surrounding attitudes, circle of friends and even influence the very things that you normally love to do.

 You will be considered a pariah to some, an inspiration to others and a lesson to all; including yourself.

I am of the opinion that our lives, while perpetual in nature tend to develop over nine year incubation periods. Liken it to seasons intended to nurture your personal growth during that particular time/space sequence. Perhaps that’s why it's called “nine lives”.

Therefore, as I wrap up this particular cycle, it seems apropos that the positions I’ve held, the home in which I lived and so many of the faces I’ve met along the way are no longer a part of my future but will always  remain a cherished part of my past.

I recently posted a picture reflecting one door closing and another opening; no question my new door awaits.  Overall, if you’re blessed which I believe I am, you can really see where you are lucky.

True I have experienced some major disappointments regarding friends, opportunities and material items. In exchange I have gained insight into my creativity, wherewithal and determination to continue seeking out my slice of much deserved happiness.

The motivation to continue the quest is in knowing that you can and will be happy!! Don't let anyone fool you otherwise..

Let's make a deal

Have you ever wondered what your life would look like had you chosen a different direction?

Of course you have, we all have. A “woulda, coulda, shoulda” scenario liken to the 1998 movie “Sliding Doors” which starred Gwyneth Paltrow in a parallel tale comparing her life had she boarded a train before the sliding door closes vs. left standing on the platform.  

It’s not unusual to find myself day dreaming about the different choices I would have made and the ways they could have changed the shape of my life. Clearly, the outcome of my imaginary vision is in stark contrast to my “real” life which is precisely the point. So I began to wonder, how many people if given the option would actually jump at the chance to “re-do” their entire life’s work? Intriguing….. 

Seems like an easy enough choice, right? For example, if you were a contestant on “Let’s make a deal” and had the benefit of knowing that what lies behind door number one was “seemingly” far better than the door you chose, why wouldn’t you trade for it if given the possibility?!! Duh??!!! 

Albeit the concept of an entirely altered world filled with different faces, places and events is certainly enticing and even exciting in many ways but no matter how glorious the fantasy, I suspect would likely fall short of our expectations. 

Purely conjecture on my part, though I doubt experiences would be very gratifying equipped with all that unearned insight to, and I use the word loosely, achieve an optimum lifestyle.   

Some may disagree. After all, who in their right mind would bypass the good fortune to perfect their life through reinvention? I conceive the likelihood is that more often than not, most everyone.  

You see, no matter how mundane, difficult or lacking our lives may feel at times, we hold the exclusive rights to our journey. Sure there are plenty of supporting cast members, outside contributors and various unknowns that make crafting an unwavering course unlikely, but the one absolute is that this sequence of events called life is “OURS” for the taking. Indubitably, that which makes up the highlights, joys and successes is none the sweeter for this very reason. 

Imagination may be the cornerstone of aspirations, and certainly conjures up notions beyond limits that in reality we might consider unattainable. Nevertheless, the true spirit of living seems to warrant that we seek out what we truly want vs. being handed a custom made ideal. 

I confess I enjoy escaping through the abstract version of my “better self”. A reproduction regarded as an exquisitely beautiful, uber successful, multi-lingual entrepreneur, holding several Ivy league degrees who surfs like a pro, has traveled extensively and admired for philanthropic contribution (I assure you this list is far from exhaustive). But truth be told, I really just long to possess the fire and motivation to genuinely contribute in some memorable fashion whilst being appreciated for my efforts. I won’t pretend to understand the psychology behind my fantastical dreamscape; perchance it's due to a deep rooted belief that if I’m not at the very least extraordinary than my life would be as worthless as the paper it is printed on…in a matter of speaking. 

Logically, I realize this concept is nonsensical. Even those we admire and celebrate unlikely possess such an enormity of outstanding qualities. More reasonable is acknowledging that noteworthy accomplishments are a cocktail of individual talents that have been nurtured through passion, dedication and hard work; not daydreaming. 

Arguably, it’s much more fun and instantly gratifying to hunker down inside that little head of yours to make all great things crystallize. I certainly have no intention of giving up my “play time”, though I am committed to spending a little less time there and focusing on that which I can realize, at least to some degree on my own. Who knows, I may even surprise myself! 

 My conclusion is that we are not designed to drift along carefree devoid of challenge. I think that would better describe the “after life”; for those who entertain such ideas ;) So the door I've chosen still seems far more appropriate than a knock-off version of my reality. Undoubtedly, I can certainly call it my own.

Betwixt and Between

“Life just has a way of working itself out”. I actually said this to someone recently and yet it seemed like something someone should say to me. Maybe it was just that, I am prone to talking to myself. 

2011 was by far one of the worst years I’d ever had. Funny, in a not so funny way because I actually thought it was going to be the year when I could finally begin rebuilding my life; repositioning a place for myself in the grand scheme of things so to speak.

Not so. Just like the interminable “bottom” of the housing market, the free fall continued.  It wasn’t for lack of trying and I made more than my lion’s share of mistakes and probably invented a few along the way. Looking back, it almost seems imaginary with more twists and turns than a John Grisham novel but absent the gratifying suspense and intrigue.  

It just never occurred to me that sloughing off prior goals, beliefs and relationships would serve to be counterintuitive and only fuel the intensity of the fire that I was ultimately trying to extinguish. Honestly, had someone told me beforehand the turn of events about to take place, quite frankly, I would have dismissed it as pure hogwash. 

Clearly my desires and life trajectory were incongruous. By the time year-end rolled around, I found myself in an inexplicable state of calm.

Apparently, my heart felt at ease even though I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Perhaps this was the driving force all along….though I was seriously so OVER the hard lessons, it was obvious that I could remain part of the problem or become part of the solution. Ergo, a no-brainer J

I confess that these trials which I personally consider extraordinary in their own right hold great meaning to me. They’re veritable war wounds that in some perverse way symbolize badges of honor sustained while battling through my issues and working my way over to the other side. 

To be perfectly candid, this side doesn’t look all that different yet but there are some key differences. First off, my “bottom” has officially arrived and I’m not referring to one of those Brazilian Butt DVD’s. The lessons I’ve learned are carefully filed away in my mental D-ring binder to allow for easy access when the next round of tests come to pass. Uh huh…fool me twice….

I suffer no delusions that my topsy-turvy world has stabilized. There is a great deal of work ahead of me but I am far more secure in my choices, my direction and the ability to remove any unwanted influences without much need for second guessing. After all, I have the experience that I’ve garnered over the past couple of years to draw upon.   

More compelling is that I am much more comfortable asking for help when I need to and understanding when to go it alone which has always been my generally preferred method.  

Pride is an ego driven concept that has its place, however, in my humble opinion dignity is what measures your true potential without any need for outside recognition. No matter how desperate the situation is, you always have your dignity. 

So similar to when you miscalculate a wave and get “spin cycled” while surfing, once you hit the sand bottom you already know that you’re heading to the surface and will be able to breathe again soon.

Fa la la la la.......

Aaah the holiday season is upon us! Gosh, is it September already? Just kidding… 

The hoopla just seems to start a tad earlier each year and no matter the griping and grumbling we’ve all become accustomed to the early fall countdown. At this rate, Christmas in July may actually be realized as soon as 2020. Hindsight not included!  

This seasonal juggernaut is so momentous that it allows for overshadowing the “less” meaningful holidays. You can find your Halloween treats to left and your candy canes to the right. Certainly adds a touch of pizazz to the confectionery isle.

The clock really starts ticking as we slide into the official “kick off” traditionally marked by Thanksgiving. Oh you betcha and thankful we are. No worries about falling behind on your shopping courtesy of the barrage of “Black Friday” advertisements. Even if on the brink there’s always “Cyber Monday”.  That’s new age for just in case you slackers missed out on Black Friday!

Growing up it was far less sophisticated, not to mention there were no Santa variations e.g. Chippendale Santa sporting suspenders in lieu of a jacket just to show off his six pack. I suspect the Atkins diet is to blame.

Nope, nowadays the holiday season is a well oiled machine with pre-sales, during sales, don’t buy into those sales sales that tend to induce a mob mentality leaving us so frazzled that our only reprieve is through holiday partying. Nothing like a few eggnogs to take the edge off. 

Adding to the merriment is the beloved holiday traffic. “It’s the most Mario Cart time of the year!” Go ahead and sing along…it works right in. Frankly, I’m going a little Ebenezer on this one and assert that using your ATM in UNDER a minute should be the litmus test for a driver’s license. If not, the machine should suck that card into an unknown vortex while remitting a resounding buzzer and flashing “EPIC FAIL” across the screen. Mmmm hmmm, just a dream; meanwhile there’s a woman in a Prius attempting a five point turn into a head in parking space.  Joy to the world J

Yet even with all the chaos, this is still one of my favorite times of the year.  I adore the decorations, the music and the overall whimsical feel to it all. Rest assured it still exists if you look close enough to see past the material cloak.

As a child, something as simple as watching animated shows like “A Charlie Brown Christmas” or “Frosty the Snowman” rendered great enjoyment.  Even to this very day, I still love them because they’re reminiscent of a magical time that offered a temporary pass into the realm of make believe.

The past couple of years have dramatically affected my approach to the holidays and not necessarily by choice. Gone are the days of rushing around to acquire as many “thoughtful” gifts as I could muster. I concede that I really miss giving to that extent because it was often more gratifying than receiving though I can’t say I miss the mall.

Without the conventional practices it’s been challenging to find a joyful purpose during this season.  Now that I have a niece and nephew, I’m a little torn because when you hear “Christmas is for children”, it really resonates with me. There’s a part of you that wants to give them anything and everything just to see their beautiful little faces light up with happiness. However, I think my niece would enjoy ripping apart bows or jumping around in the discarded wrapping paper just as much if not more than the new toy that we just bought her.

Nevertheless, I suppose the entire point of this year end finale is to acknowledge what we truly value in our lives, regardless of what that may be.  It could be any number of things, a wonderful career, lovely home, beautiful friends or a family to share this time with. Now now…albeit family can be some of the most annoying people in our lives, we still wind up sharing our biggest moments with them.

So while I mine my way through this year’s festivities, I can still appreciate the holiday tchotchkes and trimmings while listening to Christmas music and enjoying an occasional hot chocolate. I’ll consider this time a closure process for another year of miracles and disappointments that paves the way to the next phase of life; being that I'm fortunate enough to have that option.

The realization that I couldn’t embrace this season because it signifies celebration and felt there was so little to celebrate for only reinforced how far I’d drifted from what is genuinely meaningful. Unable to partake in the so-called reindeer games left me feeling displaced, not ungrateful yet unworthy of holiday cheer. It’s no surprise that this time of the year can prove to be the most delightful to some and the most depressing to others.  

Not pioneering insight by any means because to some extent we all know that tangible gift giving isn’t what it’s all about; or do we?

I’ve decided to take on this season with a “What would you do if you only had three weeks left in the year” attitude. Yes, I realize I’m stating the obvious.

Nevertheless, I will create my wish list (yeah, I’m making one) by giving much thought to the things I believe would truly bring happiness. Offhand it won’t be anything you could possibly find in a store or gift wrap. Those things can be quite nice but I prefer not to squander my wishes this time around.

Of course if some Christmas elves want to pop by with a few gift cards, I’m certainly not opposed. J My wish for you is to make the coming weeks some of the most memorable in your own unique way. Happy Holidays!

In case of emergency

Don’t panic! A phrase seldom taken literally but more commonly used as a colloquial expression.  Regardless, the general consensus asserts that panicking rarely helps matters even though I suspect that most of us have at one time or another. 

Sometimes it’s simply unavoidable and our circumstances elicit emotions that produce a knee-jerk reaction. There’s a primal aspect to all of this since the ability to arouse a sense of urgency is essential to our survival functions.  “Danger Will Robinson!”

Unless you live in total obscurity, you’re probably cognizant of the ever present turmoil that wreaks havoc throughout the world. Whether it’s political fallout, natural disasters or any number of tragic events, these hardships seem overwhelming at best and surely give way to panic.

When “Life” reaches an impasse, what is an appropriate or even better, a healthy response? The walls have crumbled, the sinkhole is deepening and the need to face your fears is moot because your fears have come to face you. Dun dun dun……

Is it feasible to sit in the “eye” of the storm and wait out the devastating effects? Frankly, having the presence of mind to remain grounded in an unstable environment is no easy task.

However, more often than not I believe we panic over things far less threatening, though it may not feel that way at the time. Whenever we’re entangled in adverse circumstances it slowly chips away at our determination. At the very least our motivation is hampered and we’re left renovating a defeatist attitude.

Let’s ponder using a facetious anecdote with me as the sacrificial lamb.    

Awhile back, I became reacquainted with a former colleague whom I hadn’t seen in over a decade. While catching up over coffee we volleyed back and forth and at one point he shared that he’d been married for eight years but unfortunately it didn’t work out. Typically, in the spirit of quid pro quo came my turn to share. My offering; “Nothing to report here just happily adrift with no casualties”. Relax, those weren’t my exact words but still, the silence was deafening.

Bless his heart; he traipsed through that mine field like a sumo wrestler in stilettos. “Really, he asked?” while trying to mask his utter state of disbelief. “Don’t you think men will find it a turn off that you haven’t been married by now?” “You’re not afraid that you’ll never find love?” Well, I wasn’t but thanks for that!  Judging by his facial expression he seemed concerned enough for both of us.

Frankly, I wasn’t aware that marriage and love were synonymous even though I knew that wasn’t his point. If the customary window for marriage has been missed and calls for consternation then I inferred those who have been divorced at least once can kick back and relax. Duly noted! Clearly this case scenario hardly seems worthy of true panic, although people panic for less. In this case, I think it has more to do with the idea that one could live out their days alone. Trust me, it isn’t supernatural.

You see, I think panic serves as a smokescreen for the true culprits that weigh heavily on us i.e. self-doubt, loneliness, fear of failure etc. These are the very attitudes that stir our uneasiness and catapult us into misery.

When the stigma of failing to achieve the very things that we have been conditioned to believe are revered, admirable and conventional; panic seems apropos. The conundrum occurs when attempting to measure one’s life against these prevailing standards without regard to our own unique needs and developments.

The notion that we are relegated to conform solely for the purposes of outside acceptance or become ostracized is simply a fallacy.  Life isn’t “one size fits all”! Even the items that purport to be never are.

Ergo, if this panic button truly exists, then I can honestly say that I have hit it!  Not once but several times, just to make sure. And what has come of it, you ask?   I surmise that the “button” was designed to interrupt an unfavorable state and summon assistance, a truce of sorts.

So I encourage you to take a stance and push that button! Set yourself free and stop the madness. Supposing I’m right, my only grievance thus far is wondering when that assistance going to get here already! Remember, impatience is a virtue J

Judge ye not

Never judge a book by its cover. An adage that purports to keep us “open-minded”. 

Try as we may, we just can’t seem to help ourselves. Life without judgments can leave us twisting in the wind but when taken to the extreme inhibits our experiences and ability to grow.

Humans are complex and able to process information rapidly a.k.a instincts. This is why “first” impressions are deemed so critical. Seeing leads to believing and we will happily fill in any blanks to draw an immediate conclusion. Next!!

                                                                                                                  

Our environments are highly dependent on evaluating and categorizing. We are designed to make sense of it all while sifting through what stays and what goes. This technique influences many areas of our lives e.g. friendships, romance and career paths to name a few. 

But wouldn’t it be interesting to see what would happen if our mechanisms were to halt just long enough to delay an initial reaction? Perhaps this is why we’re admonished about making assumptions. How much can you really learn about someone or something when performing a perfunctory assessment?

If you’ve ever wandered through a bookstore, it isn’t uncommon to peruse titles, read a back cover or even check out a page or two to see what piques interest? Prologues, movie trailers, teasers are all snippets designed to “wet our appetites” and entice further exploration. All good when making innocuous and lighthearted choices, however, what happens when the stakes are higher?

Ah, not so fast or perhaps fast enough. Our latent desire to “box it” goes full throttle and weeding out can occur without even a word having been spoken.  Interesting that we may invest hours looking for music or books but will appraise an individual almost instantaneously.

To elaborate further, I’ll share a recent experience I had during an interview at one of those discount retail stores. I decided to walk in after noticing a posted “Now Hiring” sign. Hey, a girl has to eat! Anyway, I was filling out my application while uncomfortably seated in plain view in a lousy fold away chair at the entrance of the store. As I was finishing up, I saw a petite, middle aged woman walk through so I smiled at her. After all, the position I was applying for was customer service oriented. She didn’t smile back but sheepishly looked away. Okay, whatever.

Once I’d completed my application, I asked the security guard if there was anyone in particular I should provide this to. He kindly sought out the appropriate employee and when he pointed her out, lo and behold the petite woman I’d seen earlier was already speaking with her. As I approached, I maintained a respectable distance so as not to disturb the conversation. Turned out the woman had been there several times before and was aggressively pursuing the position for which she’d applied. The employee was courteous and told her that the manager wouldn’t be in until the following day. Clearly disappointed, the petite woman reluctantly left.

Since I was in earshot, I had no expectations other than to hand in my application and thank the nice lady. However, that’s not what happened. She began to review my application right then and there and enthusiastically asked if I would stay put while she found a manager who could speak with me? Wait, what? A moment ago there was no such person available but I realized some “cherry picking” was taking place. I admit that I felt a little guilty though not blind to these tactics. This type of unfairness will persist despite my disdain.

Fast forward to meeting the manager, a thirty something stout gentleman who began studying my application (such a foreign instrument since I hadn’t filled one out in over two decades). He commenced with the typically expected questions and it was only when he flipped my application over did his demeanor change. At that moment he was fixated on my previous salary like a Rottweiler to steak bone. He looked up at me with an air of disgust and said “Wow, I don’t think you would be suitable for this job because you’ll never make anywhere near what you had before; but thank you”.  Mind you, even though what I noted was a mere fraction that was all it took to rule me out.

It was both surreal and annoying but not the first time that I’ve experienced something similar during my ongoing searches. So should I take from this; If you’ve done well before don’t come knocking at our door? Promise, the rhyming was unintentional.  Basically in the span of an hour I encountered two very different reactions. One book: two endings.

I’ve read that first impressions can be decided in roughly thirty seconds. Well it’s no wonder that there are a billion plus people on the planet! At that rate, high turnover is inevitable so this calls for a significant amount of meeting, greeting and discarding. Do you really believe that someone can size YOU up in thirty seconds, thirty minutes or even thirty days? Probably not, but they will.

To impress upon the analogy, books have covers. The covers are the window dressing designed to protect the content. The content can be likened to the heart of the book which is filled with events, details and passion intended to impart a better understanding of its purpose. The conclusion comes at the end, after reading the book.  If you never get past the cover, you will never really know the story. Just sayin’….

Judgments are here to say but maybe the next time you’re about to bypass a “book”, challenge your organizational constitution and  see what comes of it. You never know, lightning could strike?

When aging is good

It’s no secret that everyone wants to look and feel younger. Excepting those who are in fact young. Just wait….

We live in a world where “Eternal Youth” is the crown jewel. Nothing new, this mindset has existed since ancient times. Lest we forget Ponce de León thought he discovered the Fountain of Youth in 1513, though it ultimately turned out to be Florida. The internet probably would have been quite handy back then!

When IS aging well received? Let’s consider wine, cheese, beef and even leather, but what about people? Arguably you can find advantages and disadvantages to everything, though in this case the perks may not be so obvious. After all, when was the last time you heard anyone beaming about getting older? Someone two weeks away from the legal drinking age doesn’t count.

No, it’s a youth driven society so if you’re not exactly fresh, young or blossoming, you’d better hope that you’ve gained some footing. Frankly, it’s paramount because any knowledge acquired will be countered by gravity. Hence it has been referred to as “Fighting the good fight”. At least you’ll have a beautiful mind.

Oh and not to worry, you will battle. Your inner warrior will instinctively kick in to thwart those evil forces. At the onset you begin to challenge yourself in totally new ways both physically and mentally. Some take on a new sport, run a marathon, climb a mountain or whatever seems confronting. It’s actually quite liberating to be such a driving force and even better when you see the fruits of your labor.

Obviously, this development will differ between individuals because it’s highly personal. Regardless, a change of heart in how we see ourselves will undoubtedly occur at some point.

Usually once the noticeable physical adjustments are warranted  i.e. needing more sleep, longer recovery periods, nursing mystery aches and reliance on a well established anti-aging regimen (Yes fellas, fanatically working on that six pack is comparable) you can expect to receive your “free bonus gift”; some degree of self assurance. It’s just nature’s trade-off like it or not.

Cross my heart, somewhere between deciding which parties to attend over the weekend and turning down dinner invitations simply because it’s a weekday, you learn to become more self accepting.  Hopefully anyway, because there are still those “young at heart” folks sporting Ed Hardy and “Milf” tee’s that can assuredly give any twenty-something a run for their money.  Good for them!

But I think for most us, as you get older you start to feel a stronger sense of being. Maybe less self conscious (neurotic in my case), more resolute in choosing our battles and not so easily knocked off center. We begin to appreciate where we’ve been and who we’ve become.

My attitudes toward aging have certainly adjusted as I’ve evolved.  PLEASE spare me the Darwinian debate, okay? At the moment, I’m smack dab in the middle give or take per my calculations (*estimates may vary by individual). Metaphorically, if mid-life was on the map I’d say it was the equator since it doesn’t belong to either hemisphere.

A peculiar place indeed because you’re too old to be young but too young to be old. Some type of limbo that serves as an intermission to brace you for things to come.

Still, why are people so fearful or resistant to aging? Besides the obvious aesthetic factor which is apparent given that beauty is customarily associated with youth, something else must be a party to it all.

Perhaps it has to do with the goals that we have or have not achieved by “X” point in our lives. Purely speculation, but how many times have you heard someone say that their lives don’t look anything like the life they imagined or dreamed of?

Furthermore, for whatever reason my age seems to have more prominence in my daily thoughts. Possibly because I believe that I should be less bewildered at this stage not to mention I’m beginning to bear a slight resemblance to “Comedy & Tragedy” masks.

Ultimately, I suspect my innate alarm clock may be reminding me that I can no longer afford to be extravagant with my choices.

No matter, we’ll still go kicking and screaming into the depths of our advancing years unable to fully appreciate the benefits until we get there.  Just remember, there is no guarantee to how far our ladder of existence extends. As someone recently told me “We don’t know our expiration date.” Fret wisely…..

Fitting In

Ever since I could remember, it was important to “fit in”. After all isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?

At a very early age we instinctively set out to establish our place in the social hierarchy. It’s human nature and an essential part of socialization that persists throughout our lifetimes.

Most of us are taught about the so-called “tried and true” methods, that when followed to the letter acts as a virtual road map to leading a productive, meaningful life. Follow the rules, study hard and get a college degree. If you’re able to “stay the course” then you can tackle the next set of societal routines i.e. marriage, children and the perpetual “building a life” for yourself.  But what happens to those who took the wrong turn at Albuquerque?

What price do you pay for opting-out of the traditional passage? Where do they house those operating on the fringe of society?  Speaking from personal experience, they don’t.

For starters, I’m a mixed race and though not uncommon was something that was emphasized by others when I was growing up. Being half Japanese and half Caucasian occasionally brought on the daft slim eyed jokes. The flagrant ignorance didn’t help matters. Newsflash: Chinese is not the only Asian culture! Not that there’s anything wrong with being Chinese, if you ARE.

This was my introduction to “Dude, where’s my spot?” It’s not nearly as daunting as I make it sound (I do have a flair for the dramatic) but there’s something to be said about wanting to be like everybody else. Or so I thought.

Still, I remained hell bent on conquering the futile concept of finding my crowd though I never quite established a foothold. For as long as I can remember, I always sensed some sort odd man out disposition.  

In high school, I had friends in various cliques as opposed to being part of one in particular. If variety is the spice of life, mine was assorted. I didn’t feel atypical per se and wasn’t even consciously aware since I was hardly an outcast. More like a welcomed outsider; a social circuit floater of sorts.

It was post high school when the more significant “veering off” occurred and my “make it up as I go along” practices began to flourish. I elected to start working instead of attending a university and although I have taken quite a few courses to gain the necessary tools specific to my occupational endeavors, my scholastic participation was intermittent at best.

Just as with all of us, there are many different hurdles and phases that take place while we trudge through our own personal development. We take on different jobs, places, mindsets and people. None so different to me than when I moved to Los Angeles.

I will preface by stating that I have nothing against LA in general but relocating from the Midwest left me grossly unprepared to deal with the emphasis on external beauty. There’s a saying “you attract what you need” and depending on my mood, the jury is still out on that one.

It didn’t take long before I encountered my backhanded makeover intervention. Everyone seemed to be in on it, a virtual community effort consisting of co-workers, friends, hairstylists and the guy down in 3B.  Did I forget anyone? Needless to say it impacted the way I saw myself and more importantly the way I thought I should be.

I yearned to become as stylish, beautiful and a size two like most of the women around.  Back then, size two was still considered small J I knew if I aimed for better style, the appropriate level of chic and had a successful executive career then I’d be “in”. So I forged ahead and did my best to hobnob with my version of the “ideal”. There I was, armed with false confidence and a moderately upgraded veneer of myself only to find that I wasn’t any happier. Where did I go wrong?

I’m certainly not suggesting that people avoid trying new things or ways to improve themselves because there’s always room for that. I’ve certainly reaped positive benefits through trial and error. I just started to realize that knowing where the line between authentic and synthetic begins and ends was going to be vital to my self esteem. Quite frankly, it has been known to be a little blurry.

I could offer up a litany of stories detailing different case scenarios but that would be superfluous. Everyone experiments in finding out “who” they are or “where” they fit in to some extent. It’s the process that gives way to experience and understanding that leads to wisdom; God willing.

If all goes well, your individual compass will shift towards what you want and appreciate vs. a generally accepted standard. I’ll let you in on a secret, no such standard exists. Yeah, don’t expect violins to be playing while champagne flows from the heavens but arguably it should lighten the load.

A friend once told me that “I would never fit in.” He meant it to be a compliment and I couldn’t agree more.

This isn’t a fait accompli by any means. It’s an ongoing process since we’re always changing and growing. So where do I fit in? Wherever I feel protected and there’s room for me because I believe that’s essence of “being comfortable in your own skin”.  Reporting from the fringe…

I don't speak DHCP, SSL or 4G

We live in a technological world. If you’re not posting, tweeting, chatting, pinging or the likes thereof then you’ve missed the virtual boat.  As for me, I argue the dinghy counts!

These days it’s commonplace to be able to reach a global audience without ever leaving the comfort of your home. Almost everyone has the capability to do so to some degree but at the very least social networking seems essential to modern day existence. In my quest to carve out a little niche for myself, I wondered if I was the only one who finds it ironic that in today’s world of  “sharing and communicating” people seem more disconnected than ever?

How many “friends” do you have, who’s in your network, what are you doing during every minute of every day? After all, it’s vital to our well being to know that “so-n-so” just overpaid for a non-fat mocha latte with two shots of espresso. Rest assured we can sleep easy tonight.

Sound like the bitter ranting of the socially inept? Perhaps, but how much vapid and extraneous content is enough? I certainly don’t strive to add yet another layer, though I may not be able to help myself.

Social networking, media marketing, branding, blogging are all the rage these days. Okay, so they have been for awhile but work with me here. Typically, just to thumb my nose in the face of the mainstream movement, I created an Anti-Social network. It took less than two minutes, has only one member and no privacy issues. Take that Mark Zuckerberg!

Okay, redirecting my diverging thoughts.    

With so many blogs, chat forums and virtual communities etc., where will my content fit into all of this, if at all? More importantly, will it matter, inspire or at the very least promote a modicum of interest? I’m not selling products or services; wait does Craigslist count? Uh no….

On any given day you can expect to find a bevy of “how to”, “what not to do”, “top 5 online careers”, blah blah blah to choose from 24/7/365. You can find guidance on everything ranging from finance, self improvement to “Five foods that age you”. Really? Yes, really. Hold on, just need to add “How to flirt effectively on the third Wednesday of each month” to my favorites because that is definitely need to know. Alrighty then.

Thus being overwhelmed with the prospect of playing in the traffic, I began to think about one on one interaction; almost a lost art form. Nowadays people live and die by their devices. Even in a so-called social setting, there’s no absence of people consistently using their PDAs, smart phones and what have you. From the beaches to the mall, no one wants to miss anything crucial by making eye contact or speaking directly to someone.  Let’s face it, if you want to connect with someone new, just simply “friend” them or send a text (technically this would require actual interaction but taking creative liberty to illustrate a sarcastic point). I remember seeing a posted picture of a group of friends on vacation in a hotel room and every single one of them was using their device. Like they say on Monday Night Live, C’mon Man! But I digress.

I confess that I’m not so different in that I use my device to “hide” when waiting in a long line or to circumvent awkward situations but still, I believe there are times where these methods are inappropriate. Of course, I write this reluctantly since I’m not a phone person, introverted by nature and about two weeks away from full blown Agoraphobia J

Kidding aside (sort of), I don’t consider myself to be terribly nostalgic but I actually miss the social simplicity pre-Digital Age. Communicating seemed a little more unfiltered and sans the options we have now forced us out of our comfort zones. Looking back, my ability to communicate wasn’t any better then and probably even worse. Chalk it up to my reluctance to live in the “now”.  

My long winded bottom line (since I’m incapable of anything less) is that trying to put a fresh perspective on your personal school of thought and life philosophy is challenging enough much less being able to parlay it into something more captivating and successful.   

No question I’m a late bloomer and realize that my way of thinking could be dated.  I suppose that depends on your audience, which is pretty much comprised of one family member. “Hey, I told you to add comments on every posting?!”

Okay, back to me. Ultimately, this adventure may have more to do with my desire to brave uncharted territory in order to nurture my own interpersonal development. At the very least I hope to avoid speaking without saying anything but that remains questionable.

This doesn’t change the fact that I am currently technologically inadequate. Seriously, have you seen my “Bio” for the site? Presentation-N/A. Oh dear, I feel myself on the precipice ready to careen into a proverbial “What’s wrong with this picture?!!!” Pencils up!!!!