Conflicted

Have you ever had one of those days when you ask yourself if it’s really worth it? You know, “It” i.e. all that encompasses life and our daily existence.

Well, I certainly have and to be frank, this entire year qualifies. Sometimes I think it would be simpler if all experiences were either difficult or easy. Not that I actually wish for that but it would make reconciling feelings a walk in the park.  

No, life is an admixture of ups and downs and you get to experience all the emotions that go with it. I think what perplexes me the most is the abrupt offset of a wonderful event with a disappointing one. Though I recognize the need for challenge to provide contrast, shouldn’t there be a reasonable spacing between the two?

My experiences thus far feel “Bipolar”. Conflicting extremes without a doubt.

Prepare for ridiculous, because my reality feels like a perverse movie with my own behavior and idiosyncrasies’ being played out by any number of individuals in my immediate environment which I speculate is for the benefit of my own personal growth.  A veritable “ghosts of Christmas past, present & future” clearly mimicking my “personality” repertoire.  If that makes any sense to you; be afraid.

I’m not suggesting I’m a victim of circumstance or even placing judgment, rather I’ve become acutely aware of my surroundings (not easy for the self involved) and I’m deeply affected by it all. Who would of thought?

It had been quite some time since I’d been back in a day to day routine and the conveniences that were availed to me previously were no longer accessible yet replaced with some measurable stability.  Still, it’s been frustrating on an entirely different level.

I’ll recap this year’s highlights to date. Since the beginning of the year, I moved out of my home, managed to become employed, found a temporary housing solution and currently operate on six frumpy outfits fished out of storage in a contortion like manner in order to try and maintain a moderately respectable appearance. That’s the “work with you’ve got principle” though it hasn’t been pretty! The consolation prize….wait for it….my car was stolen & I’m driving a rental. Like the top20, the hits just keep on coming J

In the midst of it all, I haven’t taken time to quiet my mind and gather my thoughts because I’ve devoted my energy simply to adapting. For instance, at work being the “new kid” is always a little awkward but this time around the stakes felt so much higher and the game was one that I’d never played before. Every aspect of my being seems to be the quintessential of “uncharted”.  

It was important for me to assimilate and avoid seeming overly aloof even though I prefer to fly underneath the radar (it’s easier). So I hovered above just enough because I wanted to interact though dreaded close inspection.  After all I was back in the “real” world which meant fielding questions from others and running the risk of being unveiled; I knew all too well the “mess” that lies within and had no desire for scrutiny resulting from failing to meet the standard level of acceptability. My perseverance was far too fragile for that.

Adding insult to injury, I’ve  struggled to maintain the routines that I’d come to love and deemed essential to my well being. It was like swimming against the current, the harder I tried the more cumbersome it all became and my outlets were slipping away a little bit more each day. Perhaps I wasn’t really trying that hard at all, rather wanting.

I really do have so very much to be grateful for and I genuinely am. I just didn’t expect reuniting with the “day job” lifestyle would leave me feeling as though I was veering further off course. After all, I thrive when I’m productive and anyone worth their salt wants to matter regardless of what that entails.  It just became glaringly apparent that the scales of my life were tipping disproportionately out of balance.  Something felt off and my advancement, disingenuous.

After packing on unwanted pounds and vacillating between elated and dejected, I found my emotional scorecard at a draw. When comparing the pros & cons of each situation, I was unable to reach a final verdict. 

I actually believe that you must honor your feelings but that wasn’t an invitation for all of them to show up at once! Meanwhile, with all these convoluted thoughts swirling around my ultra-sensitive mind, I started to notice the telltale signs of self sabotage.  Pathetic…

Have I really been out of circulation so long that what should come naturally is so daunting that my neurosis kicks into high gear?! This feels like a trick question.  I fully admit that I am not afraid of forging ahead but petrified to repeat what has failed me in the past.  I used to just know that everything would work out but I’m not always so sure these days. The deck seems to be stacked against me and I tire of two steps forward and three back. Something has to give…

The “absurdity” of my life has become commonplace. Even being blessed with all the amazing opportunities that have come my way, something still feels amiss. Simply put; what if I’m squandering away my last chance to truly pursue my passions? The universe has cleared the path (metaphorically) so maybe I'm supposed to weigh out what will happen if I don’t.  Perhaps this is a wake up call to assess my true resolve. Do I really have the guts to take a leap of faith, believe in myself and do what I want instead of doing what “I have to do”? Of course, rational thinking would indicate that anything but sticking to the beaten path will land me right off the reservation though I can’t seem to shake this mentality.

Almost everything that I’ve feared and loathed has come to pass and somehow I’m still here (wherever the hell this is). Truth be told, no matter what happens my past cannot be recreated good, bad or indifferent.  Obviously thinking about it won't render the answer since I constantly mull things over and we all know the definition of insanity.

I guess for the time being I'll have to keep treading water and do my best to allow my heart to guide me along. 

My history suggests that this learning period does not support blindly ignoring precautions while haphazardly making my way. That isn’t the spirit of following your dreams and actually could destroy them.  Balance is key and it's possible this chapter is intended to allow me to distill my desires in order to create the future that I have always imagined meanwhile providing a safe environment to do so.  All I know is that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at the moment and trust I will know where to go from here.  I just have to commit to being brave enough. TBD