As I sat in my empty house, everything gone except
the echoes bouncing off the naked walks and the assorted creaks that inhabit a
house built almost a century ago, I truly felt “empty” on a visceral level.
I recall sitting in what I referred to as the
“heart” of the house which had been my TV room or den if you prefer and
thinking that I had a glimpse into understanding the process of mourning. I
realized that no matter if you are aware that something is about to take place,
the emotions that accompany that experience have their own process in terms of
purging. It’s just that I thought having the benefit of knowing in
advance, such as in a case where someone with a terminally ill loved one comes
to pass that I'd be better preparedfor the inevitable. Turns out there are some
things that you can never really prepare for.
Though I’m certainly not attempting to minimize the
loss of a beloved by way of comparison to my recent situation, my point being that
you may know what’s about to transpire but unlikely how it will literally affect
you. At best, your experience simply differs from one occurring unexpectedly.
With my entire life’s possessions holed up in a
10x16 space that had put me to task tirelessly over the past month, I couldn’t
quite grasp how any of it really mattered. Yet as the clock ticked away and the
final hours in what had been my home for so many years was drawing to a close,
I reflected on the frenzy of the past month and reveled in the fact that most
of my “things” were somehow preserved, at least for the time being.
Isn’t it ironic that the most strenuous project that
I’ve undertaken during my lifetime thus far happened to be vacating my home;
period. Hardly qualifies as an achievement by most standards but speaking for
myself, I beg to differ.
Understand that the importance of saving my
possessions wasn’t in valuing the items themselves, but rather in their symbolic
representation. Almost reinforcing that part of my prior history shall survive and
accompany me into my new world. Authentic keepsakes from a razed existence and
crazy as it may sound and it does, even to me, still resonates at the deepest
level.
On moving day, the anxiety of this upheaval took a
backseat to the adrenaline rush of getting everything completed as carefully
and efficiently as possible. The end result being a shell of my home that
looked eerily smaller than I’d ever recalled. No longer a home but a dwelling devoid
of any emotion or feeling.
All in all, it brought to mind the movie “The
Pursuit of Happiness”. As I watched that story unfold it elicited powerful
reactions while I contemplated how anyone
could endure that much misfortune and
struggle while genuinely trying so hard to achieve what I believe is everyone’s
given birth right; Happiness. What could possibly keep someone motivated during
such dire circumstances?
As I took stock in what has transpired over the
past several years, I was able to grasp the significance of these difficult
task masters. I’d love to tell you that I feel stronger having gone through all
of this but the truth is that I mostly feel vulnerable. The juxtaposition
between losing everything and finding a sense of purpose in moving forward
seemed overwhelming. The fact that I felt oddly proud in being able to endure
what most people would consider the ultimate failure was a paradox. Hmmm…proud
to fail; that belongs on a T-shirt worn by someone in one of those Wal-Mart
part whatever emails.
Rest assured
I take solace in knowing that I truly did my best to weather some difficult
situations. Throughout all of this, I related to how someone could feel such deep
despair that checking out seemed a viable remedy. I think it has far less to do
with death itself and more so the fear of living a life of misery. Makes perfect sense
to me.
Still, one thing for sure is that when life pulls
the rug out, you’d better be prepared for the ominous shift that will
undoubtedly take place in every aspect of your world. This will run the gamut
from your lifestyle, surrounding attitudes, circle of friends and even
influence the very things that you normally love to do.
You will be
considered a pariah to some, an inspiration to others and a lesson to all;
including yourself.
I am of the opinion that our lives, while perpetual
in nature tend to develop over nine year incubation periods. Liken it to
seasons intended to nurture your personal growth during that particular
time/space sequence. Perhaps that’s why it's called “nine lives”.
Therefore, as I wrap up this particular cycle, it
seems apropos that the positions I’ve held, the home in which I lived and so
many of the faces I’ve met along the way are no longer a part of my future but
will always remain a cherished part of
my past.
I recently posted a picture reflecting one door
closing and another opening; no question my new door awaits. Overall, if you’re blessed which I believe I
am, you can really see where you are lucky.
True I have experienced some major disappointments regarding
friends, opportunities and material items. In exchange I have gained insight
into my creativity, wherewithal and determination to continue seeking out my
slice of much deserved happiness.
The motivation to continue the quest is in knowing
that you can and will be happy!! Don't let anyone fool you otherwise..
