Death & Taxes

 

In this world nothing can said to be certain, except death and taxes

~Benjamin Franklin

Question is: What world is this?                 

If the world at large conforms to the end of the Mayan calendar than I had better write fast.  However, I doubt the final destruction of the world according to the book of Revelation will be that simple; nothing ever is. 

Alternatively, if defined by an event involving destruction on an awesome or catastrophic scale than I would argue that happens all the time. Tragedy always brings an “end” though there’s clearly a distinguishable difference.

The way I see it, the first scenario paints the picture of an immediate and irrevocable passing. The latter is part and parcel of life; to wit no real end.

That said, if the universe were to pull the plug than it appears I have missed my opportunity to pull off the much deserved debauchery that should accompany the ultimate demise. No hard partying, raucous sex and foolish shenanigans with my closest family and friends. Typical…

I do find it ironic that in a year earmarked for the Apocalypse, my world (because we all have one) just so happens to be foreign, unwanted with no obvious means of escape. Perhaps that calendar may come in handy after all.

Certainly seems as good a time as any to scrap an overwrought existence entrenched in thwarted efforts. Speaking for myself I’d have nothing to lose at this point.

At the beginning of 2012, doomsday was already being touted though who has time for that? If the end is here, it’s here. I focused on the idea that this year would give way to bigger and better things; turns out it was weirder and shocking events. Even more profound is that I’m in a nine year according to numerology which represents “endings”.

 

Spare me, the topic of discussion is the end of the world! Numerology is unlikely to negatively impact the credibility of this subject matter.

 

I have read so many stories of individuals and families that remain on a lost path and while I can relate, it isn’t a club that anyone with shred of dignity yearns to be associated with. There’s an actual element of society that has been excommunicated by virtue of modern circumstance. This obscure state will test your faith and question your worthiness to the point that you don’t even know if you are relevant in the eyes of the norm despite being wanting, willing and capable.  As one who still awaits confirmation, there can be no better time to eliminate the insufferableness.

Given my own hyper-critical nature, I understand why such misfortune would seem befallen to those as a by-product of laziness, unwillingness to make compromise and complacency.  Moreover that may be a testament to how society judges as a whole and possibly even how your inner circle perceives you rather than the ability to adequately understand the challenges themselves.

I cannot offer an explanation as to why some are chosen unwittingly and others will luckily never have the displeasure. All I know is that it has opened me up in ways that I never considered nor wanted to.

Not to be confused with consequences for poor judgment and mistakes; that’s inevitable and necessary for personal development. I refer you to the purgatorial environment that stands in the way of putting those learned lessons into action. Therefore I selfishly choose to believe the "barrier” has come to its end because surely there is no statute of limitations on happiness?

The amazing thing about endings is that it clears the path for beginnings. I can unequivocally state that during this unprecedented year I have encountered many amazing people who have been unlikely sources of support and positive energy who have graciously helped me in the most unexpected ways. I am very fortunate!

So if today marks my last day, I will know it has all been worthwhile. Not discounting my apocalyptic-esque melodrama, it’s likely that I’ll still have to go to Trader Joe’s tomorrow.

Nevertheless, this will be my last post on this site in honor of “The End”.  See you on the other side!

 

Conflicted

Have you ever had one of those days when you ask yourself if it’s really worth it? You know, “It” i.e. all that encompasses life and our daily existence.

Well, I certainly have and to be frank, this entire year qualifies. Sometimes I think it would be simpler if all experiences were either difficult or easy. Not that I actually wish for that but it would make reconciling feelings a walk in the park.  

No, life is an admixture of ups and downs and you get to experience all the emotions that go with it. I think what perplexes me the most is the abrupt offset of a wonderful event with a disappointing one. Though I recognize the need for challenge to provide contrast, shouldn’t there be a reasonable spacing between the two?

My experiences thus far feel “Bipolar”. Conflicting extremes without a doubt.

Prepare for ridiculous, because my reality feels like a perverse movie with my own behavior and idiosyncrasies’ being played out by any number of individuals in my immediate environment which I speculate is for the benefit of my own personal growth.  A veritable “ghosts of Christmas past, present & future” clearly mimicking my “personality” repertoire.  If that makes any sense to you; be afraid.

I’m not suggesting I’m a victim of circumstance or even placing judgment, rather I’ve become acutely aware of my surroundings (not easy for the self involved) and I’m deeply affected by it all. Who would of thought?

It had been quite some time since I’d been back in a day to day routine and the conveniences that were availed to me previously were no longer accessible yet replaced with some measurable stability.  Still, it’s been frustrating on an entirely different level.

I’ll recap this year’s highlights to date. Since the beginning of the year, I moved out of my home, managed to become employed, found a temporary housing solution and currently operate on six frumpy outfits fished out of storage in a contortion like manner in order to try and maintain a moderately respectable appearance. That’s the “work with you’ve got principle” though it hasn’t been pretty! The consolation prize….wait for it….my car was stolen & I’m driving a rental. Like the top20, the hits just keep on coming J

In the midst of it all, I haven’t taken time to quiet my mind and gather my thoughts because I’ve devoted my energy simply to adapting. For instance, at work being the “new kid” is always a little awkward but this time around the stakes felt so much higher and the game was one that I’d never played before. Every aspect of my being seems to be the quintessential of “uncharted”.  

It was important for me to assimilate and avoid seeming overly aloof even though I prefer to fly underneath the radar (it’s easier). So I hovered above just enough because I wanted to interact though dreaded close inspection.  After all I was back in the “real” world which meant fielding questions from others and running the risk of being unveiled; I knew all too well the “mess” that lies within and had no desire for scrutiny resulting from failing to meet the standard level of acceptability. My perseverance was far too fragile for that.

Adding insult to injury, I’ve  struggled to maintain the routines that I’d come to love and deemed essential to my well being. It was like swimming against the current, the harder I tried the more cumbersome it all became and my outlets were slipping away a little bit more each day. Perhaps I wasn’t really trying that hard at all, rather wanting.

I really do have so very much to be grateful for and I genuinely am. I just didn’t expect reuniting with the “day job” lifestyle would leave me feeling as though I was veering further off course. After all, I thrive when I’m productive and anyone worth their salt wants to matter regardless of what that entails.  It just became glaringly apparent that the scales of my life were tipping disproportionately out of balance.  Something felt off and my advancement, disingenuous.

After packing on unwanted pounds and vacillating between elated and dejected, I found my emotional scorecard at a draw. When comparing the pros & cons of each situation, I was unable to reach a final verdict. 

I actually believe that you must honor your feelings but that wasn’t an invitation for all of them to show up at once! Meanwhile, with all these convoluted thoughts swirling around my ultra-sensitive mind, I started to notice the telltale signs of self sabotage.  Pathetic…

Have I really been out of circulation so long that what should come naturally is so daunting that my neurosis kicks into high gear?! This feels like a trick question.  I fully admit that I am not afraid of forging ahead but petrified to repeat what has failed me in the past.  I used to just know that everything would work out but I’m not always so sure these days. The deck seems to be stacked against me and I tire of two steps forward and three back. Something has to give…

The “absurdity” of my life has become commonplace. Even being blessed with all the amazing opportunities that have come my way, something still feels amiss. Simply put; what if I’m squandering away my last chance to truly pursue my passions? The universe has cleared the path (metaphorically) so maybe I'm supposed to weigh out what will happen if I don’t.  Perhaps this is a wake up call to assess my true resolve. Do I really have the guts to take a leap of faith, believe in myself and do what I want instead of doing what “I have to do”? Of course, rational thinking would indicate that anything but sticking to the beaten path will land me right off the reservation though I can’t seem to shake this mentality.

Almost everything that I’ve feared and loathed has come to pass and somehow I’m still here (wherever the hell this is). Truth be told, no matter what happens my past cannot be recreated good, bad or indifferent.  Obviously thinking about it won't render the answer since I constantly mull things over and we all know the definition of insanity.

I guess for the time being I'll have to keep treading water and do my best to allow my heart to guide me along. 

My history suggests that this learning period does not support blindly ignoring precautions while haphazardly making my way. That isn’t the spirit of following your dreams and actually could destroy them.  Balance is key and it's possible this chapter is intended to allow me to distill my desires in order to create the future that I have always imagined meanwhile providing a safe environment to do so.  All I know is that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at the moment and trust I will know where to go from here.  I just have to commit to being brave enough. TBD

The Pursuit of Happiness

As I sat in my empty house, everything gone except the echoes bouncing off the naked walks and the assorted creaks that inhabit a house built almost a century ago, I truly felt “empty” on a visceral level.

I recall sitting in what I referred to as the “heart” of the house which had been my TV room or den if you prefer and thinking that I had a glimpse into understanding the process of mourning. I realized that no matter if you are aware that something is about to take place, the emotions that accompany that experience have their own process in terms of purging. It’s just that I thought having the benefit of knowing in advance, such as in a case where someone with a terminally ill loved one comes to pass that I'd be better preparedfor the inevitable. Turns out there are some things that you can never really prepare for.

Though I’m certainly not attempting to minimize the loss of a beloved by way of comparison  to my recent situation, my point being that you may know what’s about to transpire but unlikely how it will literally affect you. At best, your experience simply differs from one occurring unexpectedly.

With my entire life’s possessions holed up in a 10x16 space that had put me to task tirelessly over the past month, I couldn’t quite grasp how any of it really mattered. Yet as the clock ticked away and the final hours in what had been my home for so many years was drawing to a close, I reflected on the frenzy of the past month and reveled in the fact that most of my “things” were somehow preserved, at least for the time being.

Isn’t it ironic that the most strenuous project that I’ve undertaken during my lifetime thus far happened to be vacating my home; period. Hardly qualifies as an achievement by most standards but speaking for myself, I beg to differ.

Understand that the importance of saving my possessions wasn’t in valuing the items themselves, but rather in their symbolic representation. Almost reinforcing that part of my prior history shall survive and accompany me into my new world. Authentic keepsakes from a razed existence and crazy as it may sound and it does, even to me, still resonates at the deepest level.

On moving day, the anxiety of this upheaval took a backseat to the adrenaline rush of getting everything completed as carefully and efficiently as possible. The end result being a shell of my home that looked eerily smaller than I’d ever recalled. No longer a home but a dwelling devoid of any emotion or feeling.

All in all, it brought to mind the movie “The Pursuit of Happiness”. As I watched that story unfold it elicited powerful reactions while I contemplated  how anyone could endure that  much misfortune and struggle while genuinely trying so hard to achieve what I believe is everyone’s given birth right; Happiness. What could possibly keep someone motivated during such dire circumstances?

As I took stock in what has transpired over the past several years, I was able to grasp the significance of these difficult task masters. I’d love to tell you that I feel stronger having gone through all of this but the truth is that I mostly feel vulnerable. The juxtaposition between losing everything and finding a sense of purpose in moving forward seemed overwhelming. The fact that I felt oddly proud in being able to endure what most people would consider the ultimate failure was a paradox. Hmmm…proud to fail; that belongs on a T-shirt worn by someone in one of those Wal-Mart part whatever emails.

 Rest assured I take solace in knowing that I truly did my best to weather some difficult situations. Throughout all of this, I related to how someone could feel such deep despair that checking out seemed a viable remedy. I think it has far less to do with death itself and more so the fear of living a life of misery. Makes perfect sense to me.

Still, one thing for sure is that when life pulls the rug out, you’d better be prepared for the ominous shift that will undoubtedly take place in every aspect of your world. This will run the gamut from your lifestyle, surrounding attitudes, circle of friends and even influence the very things that you normally love to do.

 You will be considered a pariah to some, an inspiration to others and a lesson to all; including yourself.

I am of the opinion that our lives, while perpetual in nature tend to develop over nine year incubation periods. Liken it to seasons intended to nurture your personal growth during that particular time/space sequence. Perhaps that’s why it's called “nine lives”.

Therefore, as I wrap up this particular cycle, it seems apropos that the positions I’ve held, the home in which I lived and so many of the faces I’ve met along the way are no longer a part of my future but will always  remain a cherished part of my past.

I recently posted a picture reflecting one door closing and another opening; no question my new door awaits.  Overall, if you’re blessed which I believe I am, you can really see where you are lucky.

True I have experienced some major disappointments regarding friends, opportunities and material items. In exchange I have gained insight into my creativity, wherewithal and determination to continue seeking out my slice of much deserved happiness.

The motivation to continue the quest is in knowing that you can and will be happy!! Don't let anyone fool you otherwise..

Let's make a deal

Have you ever wondered what your life would look like had you chosen a different direction?

Of course you have, we all have. A “woulda, coulda, shoulda” scenario liken to the 1998 movie “Sliding Doors” which starred Gwyneth Paltrow in a parallel tale comparing her life had she boarded a train before the sliding door closes vs. left standing on the platform.  

It’s not unusual to find myself day dreaming about the different choices I would have made and the ways they could have changed the shape of my life. Clearly, the outcome of my imaginary vision is in stark contrast to my “real” life which is precisely the point. So I began to wonder, how many people if given the option would actually jump at the chance to “re-do” their entire life’s work? Intriguing….. 

Seems like an easy enough choice, right? For example, if you were a contestant on “Let’s make a deal” and had the benefit of knowing that what lies behind door number one was “seemingly” far better than the door you chose, why wouldn’t you trade for it if given the possibility?!! Duh??!!! 

Albeit the concept of an entirely altered world filled with different faces, places and events is certainly enticing and even exciting in many ways but no matter how glorious the fantasy, I suspect would likely fall short of our expectations. 

Purely conjecture on my part, though I doubt experiences would be very gratifying equipped with all that unearned insight to, and I use the word loosely, achieve an optimum lifestyle.   

Some may disagree. After all, who in their right mind would bypass the good fortune to perfect their life through reinvention? I conceive the likelihood is that more often than not, most everyone.  

You see, no matter how mundane, difficult or lacking our lives may feel at times, we hold the exclusive rights to our journey. Sure there are plenty of supporting cast members, outside contributors and various unknowns that make crafting an unwavering course unlikely, but the one absolute is that this sequence of events called life is “OURS” for the taking. Indubitably, that which makes up the highlights, joys and successes is none the sweeter for this very reason. 

Imagination may be the cornerstone of aspirations, and certainly conjures up notions beyond limits that in reality we might consider unattainable. Nevertheless, the true spirit of living seems to warrant that we seek out what we truly want vs. being handed a custom made ideal. 

I confess I enjoy escaping through the abstract version of my “better self”. A reproduction regarded as an exquisitely beautiful, uber successful, multi-lingual entrepreneur, holding several Ivy league degrees who surfs like a pro, has traveled extensively and admired for philanthropic contribution (I assure you this list is far from exhaustive). But truth be told, I really just long to possess the fire and motivation to genuinely contribute in some memorable fashion whilst being appreciated for my efforts. I won’t pretend to understand the psychology behind my fantastical dreamscape; perchance it's due to a deep rooted belief that if I’m not at the very least extraordinary than my life would be as worthless as the paper it is printed on…in a matter of speaking. 

Logically, I realize this concept is nonsensical. Even those we admire and celebrate unlikely possess such an enormity of outstanding qualities. More reasonable is acknowledging that noteworthy accomplishments are a cocktail of individual talents that have been nurtured through passion, dedication and hard work; not daydreaming. 

Arguably, it’s much more fun and instantly gratifying to hunker down inside that little head of yours to make all great things crystallize. I certainly have no intention of giving up my “play time”, though I am committed to spending a little less time there and focusing on that which I can realize, at least to some degree on my own. Who knows, I may even surprise myself! 

 My conclusion is that we are not designed to drift along carefree devoid of challenge. I think that would better describe the “after life”; for those who entertain such ideas ;) So the door I've chosen still seems far more appropriate than a knock-off version of my reality. Undoubtedly, I can certainly call it my own.

Betwixt and Between

“Life just has a way of working itself out”. I actually said this to someone recently and yet it seemed like something someone should say to me. Maybe it was just that, I am prone to talking to myself. 

2011 was by far one of the worst years I’d ever had. Funny, in a not so funny way because I actually thought it was going to be the year when I could finally begin rebuilding my life; repositioning a place for myself in the grand scheme of things so to speak.

Not so. Just like the interminable “bottom” of the housing market, the free fall continued.  It wasn’t for lack of trying and I made more than my lion’s share of mistakes and probably invented a few along the way. Looking back, it almost seems imaginary with more twists and turns than a John Grisham novel but absent the gratifying suspense and intrigue.  

It just never occurred to me that sloughing off prior goals, beliefs and relationships would serve to be counterintuitive and only fuel the intensity of the fire that I was ultimately trying to extinguish. Honestly, had someone told me beforehand the turn of events about to take place, quite frankly, I would have dismissed it as pure hogwash. 

Clearly my desires and life trajectory were incongruous. By the time year-end rolled around, I found myself in an inexplicable state of calm.

Apparently, my heart felt at ease even though I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. Perhaps this was the driving force all along….though I was seriously so OVER the hard lessons, it was obvious that I could remain part of the problem or become part of the solution. Ergo, a no-brainer J

I confess that these trials which I personally consider extraordinary in their own right hold great meaning to me. They’re veritable war wounds that in some perverse way symbolize badges of honor sustained while battling through my issues and working my way over to the other side. 

To be perfectly candid, this side doesn’t look all that different yet but there are some key differences. First off, my “bottom” has officially arrived and I’m not referring to one of those Brazilian Butt DVD’s. The lessons I’ve learned are carefully filed away in my mental D-ring binder to allow for easy access when the next round of tests come to pass. Uh huh…fool me twice….

I suffer no delusions that my topsy-turvy world has stabilized. There is a great deal of work ahead of me but I am far more secure in my choices, my direction and the ability to remove any unwanted influences without much need for second guessing. After all, I have the experience that I’ve garnered over the past couple of years to draw upon.   

More compelling is that I am much more comfortable asking for help when I need to and understanding when to go it alone which has always been my generally preferred method.  

Pride is an ego driven concept that has its place, however, in my humble opinion dignity is what measures your true potential without any need for outside recognition. No matter how desperate the situation is, you always have your dignity. 

So similar to when you miscalculate a wave and get “spin cycled” while surfing, once you hit the sand bottom you already know that you’re heading to the surface and will be able to breathe again soon.